New Discoveries

Recently, I have made some new discoveries. They're new to me -- not the world. I have a good 2-10 year lag behind everyone else. So that means if you are not aware of the beauty, convenience, and enjoyment of the following, get with it. I finally got with it, and am better for it.

Using my credit union's spending tracker

Why have I been spending an incalculable amount of time adding up my spending, categorizing it, comparing various months, seasons, years? There is a little place to click and have it given straight to me, broken down into pie charts with different colors. It dates back 4 years, so I can properly over-investigate and return to 2017 whenever I want to.

 
Wearing blue light glasses

I had a pink eye scare. Turns out, my cornea was just super dry from spending a long ass time on my laptop and phone, while working from home and reading books off the Libby app. My laptop cannot change to a warmer-colored background, so I invested $2 on American Eagle sale glasses. They seem to be working, as now I only feel abstract discomforts.

 
Using a mousepad

In the office, I use a pad of paper underneath my mouse. The top page routinely becomes ripped and the edges turned up, stopping the mouse as I slide it along. After working from home, dog fur lodged itself into the sensor on the mouse, and I would go fishing for it with a sharpened pencil. Now, I have a wonderful little (actual) mousepad that keeps the fur out of my mouse and is personalized with a family photo. It shows Otis at his most Porg-iest, and never fails to bring a smile to my face.

 
Following online yoga videos

There are oh so many reasons why these are wonderful. I can stay in my house, wear whatever clothes I want (or just not wear any), and only do a portion of the video if that's what I feel like. It is really nice to have the ambiance and supplies at the studio, but setting up my own candles, music, and lighting beforehand really helps get in the stretchy mood.

 
Buying Mike's Harder Lemonades

Available on GoPuff as single pints for $1.99, they are tasty and cheap. As opposed to the original, I can achieve the perfect buzz I'm looking for with just one. And they satisfy my never-ending craving for lemonade.

 
Writing everyday

I almost always have a swirl of thoughts, memories, and fictionalized situations in my head, which means I easily end up overwhelmed and in a quick downward spiral with a tightened chest. In short, I have a lot of anxiety. Instead of waiting to cope with my anxieties when they become undeniable (always too late), doing little things frequently can keep the tide from reaching drowning levels. I thought I wouldn't have enough to write about everyday, much like I always think I won't have enough to talk to my therapist about. I am repeatedly proving myself wrong on both accounts.

Full Distractions

Occasionally I need to get out of my own head with high urgency. Thoughts go around like a spiral staircase to nowhere and leave me feeling dispassionate, unmotivated, and stuck in a loop. In those moments, the usual things I choose to do for enjoyment may not be demanding of my full attention to keep me from continuing in a thought maze. Usually combining a couple at a time, here's some things that help get me through:

• Sporcle quizzes, especially ones about geography
• Reruns of Gilmore Girls, Buffy, Sex and the City, etc.
• Shopping, especially places I've forgotten existed like American Eagle
• Shoe videos of pumps on Saks website
• Attempting intense makeup looks (contouring is HARD)
• Paint by numbers
• Jigsaw puzzles
• Puzzle books, like hidato and easy crosswords
• Video games, even Two Dots on my phone (current obsession)
• Karaoke of old songs (Why are things so complicated, Avril?)

The Good Part of Giving Up

I continually feel that I was misguided by motivational posters in elementary school that shouted "Never Give Up" and "You miss 100% of the shots you do not take" over stock photos of a basketball hoop. This is true to a point, but that point is really important. That point comes when something just isn't suiting your needs anymore.

It's good to give up on something that is optional and no longer brings (or never brought) enjoyment. It's good to give up on something that is a fantasy construction that no longer fits your goals in life. It's especially good to give up on something that is using large amounts of money, time, and other resources and is getting you nowhere and bringing no fun.

Giving up always comes easily to me when it involves a knitting project. The yarn isn't wasted -- you just pull apart the wonky, half-made sweater and roll back up a skein, as if the whole thing never happened. Same with making greeting cards. When I run out of space and can only manage a poorly planned and penned "happy birthd", it is easy to flip over and try again.

Alternately, it is really difficult when something has been important, time consuming, or semi-enjoyable. I found myself writing a daily log because I had done it for so long, it needed doing. I could not imagine a life where I would be unable to reference a specific past date to see what I had worn, what I had done, friends I had talked to. But, I found myself constantly writing "then I wrote in this log for a few hours". Eventually, I realized that spending all that time working to preserve my own history meant taking away a lot of time from actually making a meaningful life.

On another note, sometimes I just have to give up 'trying to do' things. I give up trying to exercise for the day (or week). I give up trying to read dull books. I give up trying to have a productive work day. I give up having a clean house. Those days happen where I think, "I'm too tired and I can't care! I'm going to just sit down for the reset of the day and not work at myself. The fur will be on the floor to clean tomorrow, and that has to be fine." It's exhausting to constantly try to improve ourselves and do all the right things every day. But no one is really watching. We must look inward.

"I really don't think you have that kind of time"

This quote feels appropriate here. Found in Anne Lamott's book Bird by Bird (and in this podcast episode from Gretchen Rubin).

How are you feeling today?

Hello, how are you? No, like really how are you doing in the current environment? I'm doing pretty poorly myself, thank you. Usually my bad days have little to nothing to do with the outside world and are a result of the ebb and flow of my own anxiety. So this is a breakdown of my current glumness.

THE FEELINGS: that justice is corrupt (at best) and non-existent (at worst); that fighting the system is pointless because those who are rich and powerful enough to make change are also the ones who want it to stay the way it is; that violence is the only way to gain attention and force the people capable of making change to listen (maybe the ERA would stand a chance if the women's marches turned to riots); that the same people condemning the violence are the ones who constantly wage war elsewhere because they know it works (just hate it being used against them); that I'll never live to see a world that treats all people fairly; that all successful changes come too little too late, and still are at a major risk of being rolled back in the future; doing something in the wrong way because I'm white, and how can I even imagine what it must feel like to be systemically oppressed in this way; wondering if this new uprising of protest will go away like a trend, until the next tragedy occurs to spark it again.

HEALTHY WAYS TO CHANNEL FEELINGS: donate to organizations that are doing good work (see links to right); learn about my local laws and representatives to ensure that I'm voting for what I support and petition against what I do not; read up on how to be a better advocate; watch documentaries and listen to podcasts by black creators to gain an understanding of their perspective; listen to black people when they tell us how to help

(Guilty?) Pleasures

I have a beef with guilty pleasures: why should we feel ashamed of doing something we enjoy?

Now there's two parts to this, 1) other people make fun of your activity 2) you shame yourself for indulging in this activity.

The first one's a little easier to tackle. Let's say I like to make cosplay costumes while watching CW reruns. If someone is spending their time making me feel ashamed of my hobbies, they can get a life. Or maybe they're just jealous that their hobbies are way less interesting than mine. Pretty standard "you do you, I'll do me" stuff.

The second point is a lot less straightforward. My "guilty pleasure" of eating the whole pint of ice cream definitely stems more from a place of societal/parental/self shaming of eating too much, not being skinny enough, and losing control. This takes a lot more work mentally to undo the negative self-talk, societal pressures, and all those things we know too much about. Same with watching a lot of TV -- It's not lazy, bad, or something to change. If I like it and it's not getting in the way of whatever my other goals are, then I'll let it lie and soak in the indulgence.

I'm not excusing pleasures that you probably should feel guilty for, ie. hooking up with your friend's S.O. or shoplifting from an indie bookstore, but that rarely seems to be the context that this is used in. So, if you enjoy something, don't feel ashamed. Enjoy it with pride. I better be getting back to my Ben & Jerry's and watching Veronica Mars.