A Love Letter in a Cup

A Love Letter in a Cup
Photo by Laura Briggs

Wednesday, July 8, 2020

Movies You Don't Need To See

I watched (or attempted) these movies so that you don't have to. Mostly, I did not have high expectations going into them, but after viewing, their poor reviews were verified.

Knowing Poster
imdb.com
It's a disaster movie that seems like it's going to go somewhere cool, and then takes a sci-fi turn that just ends up in a weird place that doesn't fit the horror tone of the beginning. Ie. Weird, tall figures are coming for Nicholas Cage, but they end up helping him somehow? I found myself waiting for plot twists that never happened, and with an unsatisfying ending, the whole thing felt like a let down.

Pan Poster
imdb.com
This version of the Peter Pan story has a lot of good characters and visuals, but just misses the mark a bit. Considering there are a bunch of other versions of this story, you could probably have a better movie-watching experience by picking a different one. If you're choosing to watch this for Rooney Mara (like me), it's not so bad. She looks real cute. Garrett Hedlund is also pretty hot.

K-PAX Poster
imdb.com
Kevin Spacey is not the only reason to skip this sci-fi flick. I found myself watching this only to find out the ending, but then the ending wasn't satisfying either. I watched it as a young teen with a less critical mind, and still felt like I'd wasted two hours of my life.

Red Riding Hood Poster
imdb.com
This was just really empty in terms of flushing out the story. It's visually pleasing with a good general plot, but could have been about 30 minutes long and accomplished the same thing. It seemed to be trying very hard to connect to the fairy tale -- maybe it would have been better as a separate story.

Jumper Poster
imdb.com

This has a bunch of action, but not well done enough to carry the movie. I got bored of it even in my preteen years so I feel like I would just turn it off early now. If it's action you want, just watch the Bourne Trilogy instead.

Sex and the City 2 Poster
imdb.com
As a Sex and the City fan, this movie did no justice to the writing and character development of the rest of the franchise. It's extremely disappointing compared to the first movie, and is like all those other shows that do a 'destination' episode/movie that does nothing but showcase the vacation spot.

Nell Poster
imdb.com
Yes, it is an Oscar nominated film, and probably the only on this list I'd call a 'film'. Personally, I turned it off early. The whole point is that Nell cannot communicate in English and speaks her own language of sounds, but the sounds themselves were extremely distracting and the soul reason I could not finish it. I am sure someone could watch it and get something out of the experience, but I found it hard to watch.

Timeline Poster
imdb.com
I watched this as a kid and loved it to the point that when I found it in the Walmart $5 bin, I snatched it up. Rewatching it now, the story is pretty simple and the big a-hah moments are not as exciting as I remember. Also, the writing is really bad. I always think, "how can writing in movies/tv be bad?" and then see something like this. The conversation between characters is forced and the flirting so corny, it was hard to watch. If you like time travel, watch Back to the Future, About Time, or even Prisoner of Azkaban. Really, just something else.

Sucker Punch Poster
imdb.com
Aside from the fetishy costumes on the women, the layered fantasies becomes confusing in an otherwise overly simplified movie. Think video game inside a burlesque club inside an insane asylum. Events occurred that I couldn't tell if they were actually happening or not (or actually happening in the layer of imagination that I was watching). If you don't have any hallucinogens on hand, it's better to play a video game than watch this.

The Bling Ring Poster
imdb.com
This is fun to watch as a 'bad movie'. The celebrity homes and closets are perfect in the way that virtual apartment tours are fun to look through. There is not much dialogue (or at least not much that matters) but the soundtrack is fun, so this could be perfect to put on during a get together where you plan on talking through large portions of the movie. Otherwise, I would not set an evening aside.

Country Strong Poster
imdb.com
I love country music and really wanted this to be great, but it just wasn't. It felt soapy, but not fun, helpless and sad rather than thoughtful. Watch A Star is Born or Coalminer's Daughter instead.

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